Thoughts From A Fool

Just a thought

2005-12-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

"If she doesn't give a sh*t about you, then it's just fair if you won't give a d*mn 'bout her.

Don't get lost on thoughts of her, just in your heart give her a corner.
For you shouldn't lose hope until you or she gets married.
Who knows, perhaps she really is the "one".

But for the mean time, set your eyes free and let it roam.
Don't miss out on others whom you might deserve. "

i don't know, i just had this thought when i was on my way to the office this morning. maybe because there's this lady that seems to be bugging me... in my thoughts and even in my dreams. i don't know why... am i falling for her..??? i know i don't love her.., and i do know that i shouldn't... but a lady like that is just hard to ignore... hard to dislike... and quite tough not to love... no.., this isn't like others where i don't exist in her world... she knows i exists.., she knows i'm here... but what she doesn't know is that she bugs me...
yes, i know.. i shouldn't... but why do i expect a reply from her everytime i send her messages??? why am i hoping that she'd call me when she said she will??? and why am i always longing to see her??? could this be..... NO!!!! I SHOULDN'T..! I WON'T..!!
this time on, i won't be sending messages to her anymore.., i would give her a call no more... i'll try to stay away and let this drift us apart...

Thoughts From a Fool: On Friendship

2005-09-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

A friend accepts you despite your flaws.

A true friend accepts you and comments your faults

to help you become a better person.

What now..?

2005-09-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

So you've graduated and have been employed.
So you earn your cash to spend at last.
Is it enough, are you content..?

You got a raise but not that much.
You've got a job with little task.
So tell me, do you enjoy it..?

All this time you've got your friends.
But where are they..?
What hapeened..?

You banged the door and cried out loud.
Then again, nobody's home.
What now..? What's next..?

You'd like to go out, you want to chill.
Take a break and see a reel.
So you go alone. How does it feel..?

You're single and all alone.
You smile and seem to enjoy it though.
But could you be happy despite being empty..?

All your life you've paid a cost.
All those years, time was lost.
Tell me, was it all to waste..?

We've all got something to look forward to.
Yet everything has it's own end too.
It ain't how long, how far, or how fast the journey was.
It's about how you did, what you did,
And all the mem'ries that you'll leave.

Thoughts From a Fool: On Death

2005-09-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Death is a natural thing that'll come to everyone,

be not afraid of it. The moment it gets you,

you have served your life's worth.

Be ashamed to die until

you have won something for humanity.

Thoughts From a Fool: On Contentment

2005-08-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

Expectations and hopes simply cause disappointment..,

contentment and satisfaction brings joy.

A person asking for nothing more

is a person of no frustration.

Thoughts From a Fool: On Ways of Life

2005-08-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird how people rush their lives as if on a race..,

and yet they'd do everything for a delay..?

Thoughts From a Fool: On Dreams

2005-08-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dreams are nothing but illusions

materializing from your thoughts,

feeding on your hopes...

Confusing you with the comfort of fantasy

and agony of reality...

Quite a While Huh????

2005-08-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

it's been ages right???
well I'm back, yet still no updates 'bout me...
just the same old me, single and carefree...
as if i'd give a damn 'bout it..!Ü

yep, i'm back in makati now.., MSE to be exact...
been here for some two months now...
and still go home to bulacan everyday...

something's bothering now...
not quite sure what...
heck it ain't something 'bout me being single.., 'coz as what i've said...
'i don't give a damn 'bout it.'
i think it's me not being content with my current job/work...
i'm feeling what others do... "overworked"..!
yes i'm just a newbie in this part of life...
but being a neophyte doesn't mean that i must be overworked
and get underpaid...
and i'm being stuck it this life's so-called 'rat race'...
laboring hard for an amount just enough for my subsistence...
i know, you feel this too... heck, most people do..!

here's an observation on freakin' commuting life...

have you ever walked from greenbelt to the train station via landmark, glorietta, and sm??? don't you find security checks and bag checks on the landmark-glorietta second floor-border, and glorietta-sm second floor-border quite useless.?! right.., they are pointless..! i mean could there be another securityless-point of entry when passing through this border??? none..! they just another point of delays..! there was even this time that people are jammed on the escalator, the one heading for the glorietta-sm second floor-border, and yet the security guards kept yelling that "isang linya lang po"... heck.., people are already colliding like pieces of dominoes on the escalator upper-landing and they'd still want to keep a single file??! HOW INDIFFERENT! HOW NAIVE!

have you experienced boarding the train during rush hours..?
a train provided by a company that say's that their purpose is to be of good service...
well if they really are to serve, they shouldn't care much about their profit...
i mean, why can't they do proper adjustments in their trains' time during rush hour
so as to avoid crowding..? a train every minute or two on the stations ain't that much of a cost...
but it sure is a lot to people's ease and convenience...
but if the train company can't make something 'bout this.., why not try to impliment a some kind of displine on the stations... like by making passengers queue..? this way crowding, jamming (and even slamming!) while trying to board can be avoided... one more thing, just an observation.., but this has nothing to do with the train administration... why can't men sacrifice to offer seats to the ladies..? i mean, the train ride is just a few minutes (half an hour the most), then why can't they just stand.., when we all know that most ladies boarding the train at rush hours wear those high-heeled shoes that's quite an agony for the feet when standing on a prolonged period of time... where are your manners dude???!!!!

oh well.., i've got'ta go... but i'm telling you.., there's more to come... until then..!Ü

Hello Again..!

2005-04-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

haha... long time no blog..!
it's been ages and still got nothing to say...

except that i was able to save lieu hours enough to give me a two week vacation...
unluckily i ain't allowed to use them consecutively... oh well..
at least i got a few days-off once in a while...

it's summer, and still haven't gone to the beach...
not even to a pool resort..!
it's been ages since i last went out with college friends...

mom, once told me that i should get a body massage for at least twice a month...
sure.... but that'll cost me some good bucks...

my sis-in-law is now 5 month pregnant..,
a few more weeks and we'd know if it's a boy or girl...
which reminds me..,
I wonder if my couz' delivered her baby now...

new 'bout me???
nothing... still single, and doesn't give a damn about it...
come what may.., come those who dare...
haha...

My so-called 'L.I.F.E.'

2005-03-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

sigh...
it's monday again, and how i dislike mondays..! well at least i've only got to go to work for just three days today. it's holy week, and at long last, a longer vacation..!

had a chat with an old friend yesterday. it sure was fun to look back at the past and laugh at things that used to be serious. along with that conversation, we tackled on you know... that 'L.O.V.E.' thing... me still being alone... no girlfriend, no flings, no flirts, no special lady... nothing. not even a 'LIFE'...

why???

'coz my day's a routine. wake up at half past four, prepare myself, take a two and a half ride to work. get stuck in front of a computer for 8 long hours or so, then another two and a half hour ride for home, eat my dinner, watch a little t.v. then sleep...

this is what i do for five days in a row. it only varies when i fail to wake up that early, then i would have to take a train to work. aside from that, nothing more...

'tignan mo, pare, pano ka magkkagirlfriend nyan???'

what a question right??? i ask my self that too... well i guess it's a matter of priority... for now i'm into saving up.., if not spending for myself. and besides.., i do believe i have this 2-by-2 curse... in love for two years, then no love for the next, then in love again, then nothing... well it's a cycle actually... so for this year until the up coming year.., it's no love for me... just my plain old alone me... will that curse fade??? i don't know... who knows right?!?

anyway.., i've got to go... have to do my job now... geesh.., and i thought i'll be a software engineer.., but i turned out to be a 'reverse engineer'... at least there's that 'engineer' word.. hehe.. so.. 'till next blog...

Today..!

2005-03-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

sheesh...
have to stay overtime today...
got some deliverables to accomplish for tomorrow...

how'd i get the time to blog???
well.., got to kill time 'til i receive the
final comment on my task
before the final consolidation...

something new??? something to tell???
well... none i guess...
except that i discovered this kiosk...
thank GOD for this kiosk..!
'cause my pc has been transfered to another network
where there were a lot of restrictions...
and i dare not try to surf the net for
i may enter some sites that are prohibited...

o well.. gotta go...
oh.. one more thing...,
i was glad that i was able to divert my thoughts from
the 'EMPTINESS' that i think am feeling...
thank the project for such a busy day...
hehe...

though comes afew moments
that reality bites me...

really.., i have to go...
'til then..!

What the freak.??!!??

2005-03-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

what's with me..?
why do i feel this again.?
am i empty..?
do i really long for somebody now..?
who could that be???

i've already narrowed my world now...
i've avoided going out at nights...
kept from hanging around...
made myself busy with home movies,
my guitar, and sleep...
locked myself at home...
deprived myself of messengers and friendster...
pulled me out of the 'big-wide-world'
and just mingled with my tiny circles of friends...
(though they don't seem to care anymore..)

i wouldn't want my mind to be floating around again...
wondrin' of a person who doesn't even care that i exist...
never again would i make a fool of myself for such a shallow cause...

but why do feel this way now???
has cold finally taken it's toll..?
am i really empty..???

what a weekend..!

2005-03-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

Friday...
its holiday...
19th anniv of the edsa revolution...
so as expected..,
i stayed in bed 'til an hour past lunch...
and glued my self to home movies...

i was quite unproductive...
except that i drove my sister to the supermaket...
and that's all there was on my friday...

Saturday...
wke up early... had to go to the office...
were kinda rushing things there...
came in at 7:30 and left at 7...
so nothing much to tell 'bout that day...

Sunday... at last..!
the day i've been waiting for...
why you may ask..??
well we have this some kinda 'reunion' with my Jimenez clan...
was looking forward to it...
though i didn't expect that we were that 'BIG'..,
and still with others missing...
met some relatives...
got to mingle with them for a little...
t'was only then when i knew that i was one
of the youngest in our generation...
and those others who are at my age bracket
were my nieces and nephews... sheesh..!

had a great fun that day...
in the late afternoon,
had a 'jammin' session with my brother and my cousin priest...
others just sang along...

was really glad that day...
meeting those people within my family tree...
wish i could keep in touch with them...
and kinda hang-out with them...
oh well.. gotta go...
had to get my task done...

Office Hell-week

2005-02-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

hello again..!
wodrin' why this entry's titled that way???

i call this wek a hell-week for haven't got enough sleep...
i had to stay at the office overtime...
had to finish tasks that are due on that very same day...

last tuesday...
left the office at i think 'round 8:30...
guess what.., i came home 'round 10:30...

yerterday.., that's wednesday...
woke up at about 6 am... then
left the office at around 10:30...
and got home at shocking 12 in the midnight..!
compared to my team-mates.., that's early...
they left at midnight..

today...
woke up 'round 6:30 am...
i don't know if i'll be goin home late...
maybe not anymore..
for i have finished what's due for today...

so what do i do now???
i'll be picking up those tasks that
i have dropped a week ago.

o well....
at least i won't have to work overtime...

My Job.... sigh...

2005-02-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

hi..! it's been a while huh..?!
wondrin how i got the time to blog again eh.!?

well.., i'm stuck here at the office...
no task, no job, no nothing...
just finished doing them...
so why am still here you may ask..
am here waitin for some comments on it...

oopss gotta go.. got to finish this na..
just received the comment...

adios..!

Boredom in the Office

2005-02-02T17:31:00.000-08:00

hello..!
it's been quite a while huh..?!
but still i got nothing new to say...
except that i've been assigned to a project..
and guess what..? it's in ortigas...
and worst.., it's a COBOL based project...
had to read, analyze and document
such codes which are quite long and complicated...
sigh...

been spending most of my weekend
watching movies at home...
still life's the same...
with no one special...
quite a bore huh..??
but hey..! i'm happier this way..!
i think...

well let's just say that i'm quite content
with a life of less complication and thoughts..,
nights when i can sleep soundly
thinking nothing 'bout any emotion...
i'm in that state called 'worry-free'..!
got to spend my little earnings for myself..
and use more phone credits for my family and other important deals
rather than spending it on 'senseless communication'...

i know... i know...
you're thinking that i am just being bitter...
that i've cursed that so-called 'blissful feeling'
for i've been downed by it...

but you know what..?!
i ain't being bitter.., am just being practical...
am just letting my brain rule than being ruled by my heart...
well you see.., i do believe that there's a time for everything...
so why rush into being in love when the present time calls
for self-awareness and self-care...
i mean.., do love yourself first
than loving anybody else while forgetting about yourself...
right??!

and besides...
why narrow yourself down on to one person..,
when you aren't even sure if such deed is being reciprocated...
why sure it is nice to be in love... but ain't it better
when you are loved back.???

there's a whole big world out there...
why focus on just one person...
it is the picture that is to be seen and appreciated..,
not the detail that comprises it...

ps.
i don't know if this makes sense, it's what's running in my mind as of the moment i'm doing this... just feel free to give me a question, comment, or violent reaction... yo know how to reach me... hehe... enjoy your day..!Ü

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

2005-01-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Come On

2005-01-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

And finally the silence

Looking out, looking back across the sky

Trying to find a meaning

Knowing that I just left it all behind

Still I smell a lingering softness

Where did she go, how did she go

I wanna wanna know

I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me

Come on

Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me

Come on, you know that we belong

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Thinking back before her

I never knew the meaning of alone

Still the flag is feeling foreign

I live the day to escape into a phone

Speaking of a world not real then

Where did she go, how did she go

I wanna wanna know

I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me

Cause shes sharp for kisses

And my heart misses

She's coming,

She's coming here to me

I'm needing

Desiring to kiss her now

I'm living for her

Breathing for her

Singing for her fairytale

Come on..

What the Freak's the Matter With Me???

2005-01-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

hi...
got home 'round 830 today...
just had my dinner...

i really don't know what's gotten into me...
i feel so low.., down and lonely...
empty...

was it because of the song i heard this afternoon???
was it because it reminded of a movie???
a movie about a good love story...
a movie that could move you..,
and kind'a make your heart melt...
was it really beacuse of that song
and the movie linked to it???
maybe... i just don't quite know...

maybe it's because i really am empty...
perhaps the 'other' me is somehow
making it's way through my day...
maybe.., just maybe..,
i'm tired of living this life...
this lonely life...
i'm tired of being alone...
(parang kanta un ah.?! hehe...)

but what could i do???
i haven't found 'her' yet...
haven't crossed roads with 'her'...
or have i???
maybe 'she's' just somewhere...
'round there, by the corner...
perhaps i have seen 'her'..,
we may have been acquianted..,
i could've passed 'her' on the sidewalk..,
could i have missed my chance...
(parang kanta ulit un ah.?!)

still... how do i know it's 'her'???
how would i know that it's time to take action???
that it's for 'her'... that it's now or never???

well i guess that song really got me..?
maybe that 'love bug' bit me..?
but hey..! how could that be.?!
i ain't in love..!
and besides..,
i am nothing more than a freak...
i am me..!
empty...

Remember... Recall...

2005-01-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

it's only wednesday
yet i seem to have forgotten
my past weekend...
argh.. guess my memory's turning low now...

just try to recall...

Saturday...
hadn't been of much help at home...
woke up late.., 'til lunch that is...
just hanged round our house...
couldn't remember things i did to pass time...
i was useful at one moment..,
went to a water station and refilled
two 5 gallon containers for our drinking water...
(i asked my mom what i did that day, that's what she said)
aside from that.., i guess i did nothing more...

Sunday...
woke up late again...
if it hadn't been for my mom calling
and asking me to open our house's door for her..,
i would've woken up later...
did nothing fruitful again...
ate quite a late breakfast at an aunt's place...
(mom and aunt aren't in good terms...
a family friend that is a nun was trying to fix the problem...
that's why we were asked to eat at my aunt's place..)
well i that encounter didn't fix things up...
(how'd you expect a problem that has been going on
for 2 years be settled with just one sitting..????)
o well.., after taking a meal...
we (mom and me) drove off to Baliuag...
today's objective...; to buy a washing machine...
we've bargained on different appliance stores...
but after a whole afternoon of searching and bargaining...,
we came home empty handed... haha...

Monday....
my kind'a usual 'working' day...
err... should i call it 'office' day...
(can't consider things as work yet...)
i've tried something on these days...
different from what i usually do on my home...
boarding the 630 bus to Baliuag at the park square station..,
and arriving home 'round 9 - 930...
well for a change... i took the MRT..,
got off at the Araneta station..,
took an 'FX' (which was really a van and not an FX)
to Baliuag... and guess what the difference i did made..??!!
i came home about an hour earlier than usual..!
mom's kind'a surprised last monday...
me arriving home.., and she hadn't prepared dinner yet...
but it was okay... got more time to spend at home now...
than spending it on the road aboard a bus...

Tuesday...
same as yesterday... 'office' day...
but i encountered quite a minor problem...
(which could be a serious one., hadn't it been for luck..)
my MS word application broke down..
and i thought i've lost all the documents that i have been working on...
but for some stoke of luck... i was able to recover not one...
not two... but all of documents..!
all it took was a few restarts... and patience...
see.. 'patience is a virtue..!' hehe...

upon arriving home...
mom and i made some pictorials on our yard...
just to capture our decorations...
and have something to send to my dad...
and show him what our yard looked like last Christmas..,
and what came out of mom's construction 'projects'...

well.. that's what i can only recall...
oh.. one more thing... was able to save a few bucks
last Monday and Tuesday... found this really cheap lunch...
now that's something good to tell about... hehe...

thanks for reading...!Ü

Nice Thing About Yesterday

2005-01-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

hello..!
just wanna share a thing 'bout yesterday..
it wasn't just another ordinary day...
wanna know why???

i was boarding a bus... when..
i messaged my mom that
i'm on my way home,
and asked what's for dinner...

she told me that she's at her friend's birthday celebration...
and that i'd better go there and have my dinner there..

so.. that was where i went...
met the celebrant and her visitors...

that's when everything became un-ordinary...

met two good-looking ladies..! hehe...
they were her (celebrant) neices...
one of them was the one that i really liked...
she's just soooo pretty... though she's kind'a too slim...
and really looks younger than her age...
the other... well...
it was just our first meeting...
didn't even know her name nor her age..
but damn she's pretty too..!
she's fleshy.., and really looks good when she smiles...
one thing in common with them...??
their both light-complexioned..,
and there's something about their faces
that i really like...
perhaps the cheeks..,
maybe the eyes..,
maybe the lips...
i don't know what...
but what i'm sure of is that..
they're too pretty..!

unfortunately...
i never did have the chance to chat with them..

i was not formally aquianted with them..

and that they hanged 'round with their cousins...
(their cousins are close friends of ours)
oh well...

guess i've only got a slim chance of seeing them again...
and to get close and hang with them...
on thursday... they'd be going back to australia...
to the place where they kind'a grew up...
far from here.... away from here...

Just Another Ordinary Day

2005-01-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

day is almost over..
spent it again in the office..
but at least i did something of worth today...
just did a job for our internal project...

but before that tasks was given..,
well.. you would see the usual me...
the non-working me...
blankly staring at the monitor
as if i was reading something...
hehe...

nothing unusual happened...
no thoughts to share as of now...
no stories to tell...
t'was just a plain day...
quite a simple day...

oh.. but there's something new..
just knew aboput an officemate today..
just don't know if we'd be in better terms...
but we've quite interacted...
but just on the messenger though..,
not personally...

oh well...
gotta go..
office hours' almost over...
i'll be on my home again..,
hope i'll come earlier than usual...

NEW YEAR'S BREAK

2005-01-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

back to work again...
no more vacations and holidays to expect..
'til the holy week comes..

had a very hectic vacation..

last 30th of december,
grandma's cousin celebrated her
65th birthday at our place..
had to prepare this and that..
fix things in and around the house..

the party started at lunch..
and ended quite late at night...
don't really know what time
coz i went out with my H.S. friends..
just tried to catch up with each other..
with a couple of chows and beer...
went home round 2am and slept..

last 31st... woke up early..
put-up a table by the 'tiangge' nearby..
tried to sell some fireworks and crackers
with a cousin...
(kinda' business minded)
after that selling thing..
restored the order of our yard..,
kept the tables and chairs
which were used at yesterday's party...

after lunch, went to Baliuag
stopped by an atm.. got some cash of course..
my mom and sis bought some groceries for our 'media noche'..
i together with a neighbor looked for some 'kalburo'
(those gray stones that react with water)..
by the time we got home..
bought some 'bumbong ng kawayan' fit enough to make a cannon...
sawed and holed it for hours...
got pretty exhausted.. but it was worth it..!

new year's eve was fun...
saw amazing fireworks in the sky..
heard a whole lot of bangs from crackers...
and ahem... my cannon really made a bang..
neighbors can't believe it was JUST a 'bumbong'..

JANUARY 1st..! happy new year..!
woke up past noon... at last caught some sleep..!
had a late lunch at home...
a cousin messaged me and we met up at our aunt's place..
had a second round of lunch...
a shabu-shabu... jimenez-garcia clan style...
had a good 'seafood soup', (don't know what to call it)
some roast beef steak, a fried salmon, some salmon sausages,
a glass or two of rich red wine...
and to top it all of... a yummy tiramisu..!
all of which were prepared by my cousins...
that meal stuffed me and really made my day..!

i was set to drive for my sister and her H.S. friends...
gonna watch a movie and kinda hang-out with them...
unfortunately.., a change of plans came in...
mom called and we'd be going to Pampanga...
so.. my sister and i just fetched her friends
and they just hanged round our place...

i drove the whole afternoon... and still til evening...
arrived at fontana at around 7pm...
being there ain't that bad at all..
got to eat up, hang with cousins (mom's side)..
and an allowance.., c/o my uncle...
thought we'd be going to the casino...
but unfortunately.., we didn't...
my mom played mahjong
together with her sister, 'hipag', and aunt..
my uncle and his three sons just played cards all night 'til 3 i think...
me..? well... to kill the time...
played scrabble with my cousin's wife...
slept at round 2am...

JANUARY 2nd... yawn..!
woke up early... 7:30am that is..
ate a couple of bread slices and a meat loaf..
drove home that early...
fixed my self up then drove again...
back to Pampanga.. but this time to my
sister-in-law's place...
to meet her family and formally ask for her hand..
(though they already got married)
'pamamanhikan' as we call it..
had lunch there and stayed for a couple of hours...

after that...
drove for my sister to her boarding house
at valenzuela...
it was quite a long drive in NLEX,
and a boring one...
all you see is the same sight of greenery...
driving at an almost constant speed...
yawn...
well at least there was no traffic jam...

almost there...
when the topic was about my brother...
tried not to speak... but unluckily..
from nowhere... i blurted out things...
feelings that i have been long keeping..
the unequality i see at home...
my brother being my mom's favored child...
responsibilities, tasks, and chores that my brother evaded...
my anger 'bout my his selfish act..,
of getting married..
him of trying to cut his ties with our family...
him of forgetting that he too has a responsibility
for our parents... that he'd have to help
save up for mom and dad's old age...
the we'd have to let them have a taste of the
'GOOD LIFE'...
BUT.. COULD THAT BE POSSIBLE NOW..???!!
WILL HE BE OF ANY HELP NOW..??!!!
now that he was married and soon be having a baby????

i guess i just lost the brother i once knew...
or maybe.., that responsible brother i had was just
my wishful thinking... that i never really had 'one'...

was really exhausted..
had just a few hours of sleep...
been behind the wheel
for almost the whole day...

got home at 'round 8pm...
fixed myself for bed...
and at long last went to sleep...

JANUARY 3rd... HAPPY BIRHTDAY GRANDMA..!
now... i'm here sitting by my
workstation at the offfice..
it'll be a long day...
quite a long day...

My Sunday Hassle

2004-12-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

good monday..!
(though it ain't that good)
hehe...

woke up early today...
made it to my usual bus...
came to the office at my usual time...

am beginning to feel a bit drowsy again..
maybe because i've got colds...
but this is nothing compared to what i felt yesterday...

it was sunday... woke up early to attend mass...
ate breakfast at a family friend's house...
it's when everything started...

had this terrible headache along with a fever...
thought i could sleep it off..,
so i slept with pajama, shirt and socks on...
covered myself with a blanket, turned off my fan..
and placed alcohol-soaked cotton balls in my underarm...
to release the rising temperature in my body due to this pesky cold virus...

woke up an hour or two after...
unluckily.., the headache didn't come off..,
but my temperature went down...
thought i'd sneeze myself to release those yucky gooey 'sipon'...
it did lighten my feeling.., but still it worries me...

to make things worst..,
chores are to be done...
our deepwell pump brokedown..,
and provided a very black murky water... 'burak..!'
so our household won't be having water for a couple of days
'til our deepwell is fixed
so... i fecthed water from our neighbor...
filled up two containers that can hold up to 120 kgs of water each...
(imagine how many times would i have to go back and forth to fetch water)
and i'm doing this while having that pesky headache...,
i could even consider it as a migrane...

but before that fetching spree...
my big brother came back home...
he hasn't came home for quite sometime now..
maybe because he's trying to save up...
(he works in a casino in pampanga)...
well.., i was quite glad that he came home..,
at least maybe he could lend a hand on some chores...

so while eating lunch with my family...
(daddy not included.., he's in california..)
a news came up.., my brother just got married.., civil...
i don't know if it was just a sick joke... i hope it is...
but by the tone of my brother... he isn't kidding...
i definitely did not feel good about it...

how could he ever do such a thing to our family...
getting married without the knowing of our parents...
'ate: ba't d mo man lang sinabi kila mommy?
kuya: kaya nga secret marriage eh...'

i mean... what kind of a devil drove my brother's mind..
that he had decided to marry.., in such an early age..!!!

he was quite a dreamer back then...
he planned his future...
'if i were to marry, i should already have my own house,
a big savings account, a car, and a stable job..'
those were the words he told me when i asked him
when we were both in college...
i somehow looked up to him then...
but where was that dreamer.., that planner i knew..????

what he only achieved now was a car...
that is on monthly installment.., with years to fully pay for it...
though his job can sustain it and a few of his wants..,
will it be enough to house and raise a family..???
and besides.., he only knew the girl for just a little over a year...
so how the heck did he know that she was the 'one'..???

he wasn't even able to help mom and dad save up for their old age...
he didn't even think of fulfilling our parents' dreams of having a really good life..
yes.., he hands over a few bucks to my mom for some expenses..,
but now that he is married.., will he still give some..???
that i don't know...

i know that i ain't in the position to yack and nag at my big brother...
to tell him of things... to show him his faults...
to display my disappointments...
to say what he did was wrong and unjust on our parents...
but i just hope that he'd realize it...

but all is too late...
he had a civil wedding as he have said on our dining table...

i just hope it was a joke...
a very sick joke...

Two Sided Me

2004-12-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

have just read a friend's blog...
and i can't heelp but think of how i was...

well i guess i was back to my 'other-self'
the numb and senseless person...
who just likes to appreciate the beauty of GOD's creations
and never cared or attempted to somewhat claim one...

guess i just got tired of rejection...
got tired of the feeling...
of loving...

but still i contradict myself;
'there's a lot of love inside me,
a lot of care i wish to share...
but the only problem is...
no one ever dares..'

i do guess that deep inside of me...
i like the thought even the feeling of being 'in-love'...
but is just trying to hide and deny it
for maybe i ain't ready to ache again...

i'm back to the pessimistic me...
the 'indifferent' person...
bitter me...

or maybe i just haven't met my new match...
the girl who'd make me, in a good way, shiver and fall...
a girl that could put a smile on face
with just her glance...
the girl who'd reveal the sweeter side of me...
the loving me...

i don't know...
i just don't know...
but for now.., i'm just trying to live a 'life'...
or so i guess...
if 'living' considers being able to eat and sleep well
with nobody buzzing and bugging my thoughts and dreams...

Last Night

2004-12-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

well... it's sixteenth of december...
'simbang gabi' started...
wasn't able to attend though...
no way can i possibly complete it this year...

t'was beacause i came home later than usual last night...
got caught in a traffic jam...
and even stayed awake 'til midnight..
got hooked on the oprah winfrey's show...
she sure made me laugh last night... haha...

and since i slept late...,
i woke up late...
wasn't able to get aboard my usual bus.,
so i had to take the train
and walked a long way just to get to the office...
whew.. good thing i came right on time...

i even got caught between friends last night...
maybe just because we all miss each other..
that we really wanted to meet and somehow hang around...

i don't know... i just can't get it why afew wants to hang in private...
not that they don't like the others....
i suppose they just feel a bit akward...

as for me...
the more the merrier...
come what may...

Good 'Ol Days

2004-12-13T14:15:00.000-08:00

just got in touch with a close friend from college..
can't help but remember the 'good old days'...

we used to hang-out after school...
spending some time with each other...
fooling around and doing some crazy stuff...
moments of great laugh and fun...

it's way more than a month since i've last seen them...
since we've gone out.., together as a group...

i gues sthat's just how life is...
we've got to live our own lives after graduation..,
be busy with our chosen paths of career...
be it afar from the others...

it's just unthinkable that
we seem not to care anymore...
no time for catching-up.., as if we've forgotten...
as if those great days never existed in our life...
as if we've never been close...
like we've never been friends...

hey, guys...
i just want to be with you again...
can't we at least relive those 'good old days'..?
can't we spend even just a night to catch-up...
see how everyone is doing..?
and see how we've been.., and how we are..?

i miss you guys...
i'd be far more happy to hang-out with you again...

Week Ender

2004-12-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

it's weekend again..,
and i feel good...!

just got a gift cert from our company..,
t'was our bonus maybe...
and in a few more days it'll be pay day...!
hep hep.., hooray..!

guess i got nothin' much to say today...
had quite a great day...
got my dose of chocolate this late afternoon...
and few good laughs from sun 'til moon...

that'll be all for now...
got nothin' more to say...
'til then.., keep in touch somehow...
i'll take my rest for this day...

Warmth For Winter

2004-12-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

a few more days and it's christmas..!
joyous days are here..!
can't wait to have fun, to pig-out,
and feel like a child again...
it's always this time of the year that i feel a certain joy within me...

just a year ago... or so i guess...
when i tried to tell her that i like her...
though i did it jokingly...

for i thought it was quite my chance to tell her how i feel..,
when she, out of nowhere, sighed..;
'malamig na pasko 'to...',
to me and a few classmates while chatting online...

'bakit mo naman nasabi..?', i asked...
'kasi alang special someone e...
pero okay lang.., nadyan naman friends and family ko', was her reply...

i told myself.., 'this may be my chance.., why not give it a try..?!'..
so i asked her.., 'kung gusto mo tayo muna..?! kahit this season lang..? hehe..'
what was her reply..???? colder than the season..,
'heh! tumigil ka nga dyan..!'.

and since that night.., everytime i'd see her in school..
i always teasingly ask her to accept that proposal...

i just like her then..
and never thought of loving and courting her...
but such an idiot i was..,
that i overpushed myself and fell for my own foolishness...
i just suddenly realized, from out of nowhere,
that i love her...

i don't know when,
i don't know where...
all i know is that,
i loved her sinced then...

then came my days of 'gift giving..',
gifts for no occassion...
hoping to see even a weak smile on her face..,
a sign of appreciation...
yet i don't know if they were ever appreciated...

sigh...
oh well... at least i didn't have a 'cold' christmas that year..
for i had her as my special special someone...

i just don't know if she felt the warmth she was asking for..,
the warmth i tried to offer her...
if i was ever treated as a 'special someone'...

well.., i believe not...
in no way was i special to her...
i never will be..,
even 'til eternity...

If Only

2004-12-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

well.. here i am again..
with thoughts flying by...
heard a song just a while ago..
and i can't help but remember a moment of my past...

'i love you, always forever'
was the title...

well i do believe i had this thought for a girl..
unfortunately.., it remained as a thought
and was never able to blurt it...
'til the feeling was lost... or as i so believe..

but i guess there were times
when i missed the feeling of longing for her...
i miss the days when i bought chocolates for her...
those times i spent digging for mushy quotes to send...
the idea of being sweet and gentle...
the feeling that i was 'in love'...

it wasn't my fault that i lost the feeling...
that i've moved on..,
and hid the 'man' in me...

it's a good thing i wasn't able to utter it..;
'i love you, always... forever.'
for i guess i don't feel it now...
yet she'll remain special...

if only she showed some appreciation for my feelings...
if only she didn't ignore the love i showed and offered her...
if she hadn't been cold...
if only... if only....
if only she loved me too....

i would've never lost the feeling...
i would've never tried to lose it...
i would've kept loving her..,
i could've been spending my time with her..,
and kept the my love aflame...
and held onto the phrase..;
'i love you, always... forever.'

if only... if only...
if only she dared to care...

Euphoric Feeling..?

2004-12-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

again.., a new day has come
doing things i have done.
guess things would somewhat be the same
though i know things change.

again this thought ran tthrough my mind;
what's with love that everyone likes to feel it..?
is it of some sort of elixer that rejuvinates your tired and weary state..?
is it really a good feeling that people are willing to risk their all just to have it..?

i just don't get it...
why the need to gamble on that game,
when there's only a little to win and and all to lose..?
why the need to risk it anyway..?

well does it just showcase people's uncontentment...
that they've got the need to have more..?

do we really exist just to be on that expected euphoric stage,
when with just a sleight of hand can make you desperate and and your life miserable..?

you may say that i am a fool, and a freak of nature...
yes.., i think i am guilty of being a fool...
of being a freak of nature...
but ain't lovers more foolish than i am.??
for they make weirdos out of themselves...
freaks of emotions... freaks of love...

for a number of times i have loved.., and in all i have failed...
but through it...,
i have learned to see and appreciate the beauty of all GOD's creations...
and to live in order to love life...