My Sunday Hassle

good monday..!
(though it ain't that good)
hehe...

woke up early today...
made it to my usual bus...
came to the office at my usual time...

am beginning to feel a bit drowsy again..
maybe because i've got colds...
but this is nothing compared to what i felt yesterday...

it was sunday... woke up early to attend mass...
ate breakfast at a family friend's house...
it's when everything started...

had this terrible headache along with a fever...
thought i could sleep it off..,
so i slept with pajama, shirt and socks on...
covered myself with a blanket, turned off my fan..
and placed alcohol-soaked cotton balls in my underarm...
to release the rising temperature in my body due to this pesky cold virus...

woke up an hour or two after...
unluckily.., the headache didn't come off..,
but my temperature went down...
thought i'd sneeze myself to release those yucky gooey 'sipon'...
it did lighten my feeling.., but still it worries me...

to make things worst..,
chores are to be done...
our deepwell pump brokedown..,
and provided a very black murky water... 'burak..!'
so our household won't be having water for a couple of days
'til our deepwell is fixed
so... i fecthed water from our neighbor...
filled up two containers that can hold up to 120 kgs of water each...
(imagine how many times would i have to go back and forth to fetch water)
and i'm doing this while having that pesky headache...,
i could even consider it as a migrane...

but before that fetching spree...
my big brother came back home...
he hasn't came home for quite sometime now..
maybe because he's trying to save up...
(he works in a casino in pampanga)...
well.., i was quite glad that he came home..,
at least maybe he could lend a hand on some chores...

so while eating lunch with my family...
(daddy not included.., he's in california..)
a news came up.., my brother just got married.., civil...
i don't know if it was just a sick joke... i hope it is...
but by the tone of my brother... he isn't kidding...
i definitely did not feel good about it...

how could he ever do such a thing to our family...
getting married without the knowing of our parents...
'ate: ba't d mo man lang sinabi kila mommy?
kuya: kaya nga secret marriage eh...'

i mean... what kind of a devil drove my brother's mind..
that he had decided to marry.., in such an early age..!!!

he was quite a dreamer back then...
he planned his future...
'if i were to marry, i should already have my own house,
a big savings account, a car, and a stable job..'
those were the words he told me when i asked him
when we were both in college...
i somehow looked up to him then...
but where was that dreamer.., that planner i knew..????

what he only achieved now was a car...
that is on monthly installment.., with years to fully pay for it...
though his job can sustain it and a few of his wants..,
will it be enough to house and raise a family..???
and besides.., he only knew the girl for just a little over a year...
so how the heck did he know that she was the 'one'..???

he wasn't even able to help mom and dad save up for their old age...
he didn't even think of fulfilling our parents' dreams of having a really good life..
yes.., he hands over a few bucks to my mom for some expenses..,
but now that he is married.., will he still give some..???
that i don't know...

i know that i ain't in the position to yack and nag at my big brother...
to tell him of things... to show him his faults...
to display my disappointments...
to say what he did was wrong and unjust on our parents...
but i just hope that he'd realize it...

but all is too late...
he had a civil wedding as he have said on our dining table...

i just hope it was a joke...
a very sick joke...

Two Sided Me

have just read a friend's blog...
and i can't heelp but think of how i was...

well i guess i was back to my 'other-self'
the numb and senseless person...
who just likes to appreciate the beauty of GOD's creations
and never cared or attempted to somewhat claim one...

guess i just got tired of rejection...
got tired of the feeling...
of loving...

but still i contradict myself;
'there's a lot of love inside me,
a lot of care i wish to share...
but the only problem is...
no one ever dares..'

i do guess that deep inside of me...
i like the thought even the feeling of being 'in-love'...
but is just trying to hide and deny it
for maybe i ain't ready to ache again...

i'm back to the pessimistic me...
the 'indifferent' person...
bitter me...

or maybe i just haven't met my new match...
the girl who'd make me, in a good way, shiver and fall...
a girl that could put a smile on face
with just her glance...
the girl who'd reveal the sweeter side of me...
the loving me...

i don't know...
i just don't know...
but for now.., i'm just trying to live a 'life'...
or so i guess...
if 'living' considers being able to eat and sleep well
with nobody buzzing and bugging my thoughts and dreams...

Last Night

well... it's sixteenth of december...
'simbang gabi' started...
wasn't able to attend though...
no way can i possibly complete it this year...

t'was beacause i came home later than usual last night...
got caught in a traffic jam...
and even stayed awake 'til midnight..
got hooked on the oprah winfrey's show...
she sure made me laugh last night... haha...

and since i slept late...,
i woke up late...
wasn't able to get aboard my usual bus.,
so i had to take the train
and walked a long way just to get to the office...
whew.. good thing i came right on time...

i even got caught between friends last night...
maybe just because we all miss each other..
that we really wanted to meet and somehow hang around...

i don't know... i just can't get it why afew wants to hang in private...
not that they don't like the others....
i suppose they just feel a bit akward...

as for me...
the more the merrier...
come what may...

Good 'Ol Days

just got in touch with a close friend from college..
can't help but remember the 'good old days'...

we used to hang-out after school...
spending some time with each other...
fooling around and doing some crazy stuff...
moments of great laugh and fun...

it's way more than a month since i've last seen them...
since we've gone out.., together as a group...

i gues sthat's just how life is...
we've got to live our own lives after graduation..,
be busy with our chosen paths of career...
be it afar from the others...

it's just unthinkable that
we seem not to care anymore...
no time for catching-up.., as if we've forgotten...
as if those great days never existed in our life...
as if we've never been close...
like we've never been friends...

hey, guys...
i just want to be with you again...
can't we at least relive those 'good old days'..?
can't we spend even just a night to catch-up...
see how everyone is doing..?
and see how we've been.., and how we are..?

i miss you guys...
i'd be far more happy to hang-out with you again...

Week Ender

it's weekend again..,
and i feel good...!

just got a gift cert from our company..,
t'was our bonus maybe...
and in a few more days it'll be pay day...!
hep hep.., hooray..!

guess i got nothin' much to say today...
had quite a great day...
got my dose of chocolate this late afternoon...
and few good laughs from sun 'til moon...

that'll be all for now...
got nothin' more to say...
'til then.., keep in touch somehow...
i'll take my rest for this day...

Warmth For Winter

a few more days and it's christmas..!
joyous days are here..!
can't wait to have fun, to pig-out,
and feel like a child again...
it's always this time of the year that i feel a certain joy within me...

just a year ago... or so i guess...
when i tried to tell her that i like her...
though i did it jokingly...

for i thought it was quite my chance to tell her how i feel..,
when she, out of nowhere, sighed..;
'malamig na pasko 'to...',
to me and a few classmates while chatting online...

'bakit mo naman nasabi..?', i asked...
'kasi alang special someone e...
pero okay lang.., nadyan naman friends and family ko', was her reply...

i told myself.., 'this may be my chance.., why not give it a try..?!'..
so i asked her.., 'kung gusto mo tayo muna..?! kahit this season lang..? hehe..'
what was her reply..???? colder than the season..,
'heh! tumigil ka nga dyan..!'.

and since that night.., everytime i'd see her in school..
i always teasingly ask her to accept that proposal...

i just like her then..
and never thought of loving and courting her...
but such an idiot i was..,
that i overpushed myself and fell for my own foolishness...
i just suddenly realized, from out of nowhere,
that i love her...

i don't know when,
i don't know where...
all i know is that,
i loved her sinced then...

then came my days of 'gift giving..',
gifts for no occassion...
hoping to see even a weak smile on her face..,
a sign of appreciation...
yet i don't know if they were ever appreciated...

sigh...
oh well... at least i didn't have a 'cold' christmas that year..
for i had her as my special special someone...

i just don't know if she felt the warmth she was asking for..,
the warmth i tried to offer her...
if i was ever treated as a 'special someone'...

well.., i believe not...
in no way was i special to her...
i never will be..,
even 'til eternity...

If Only

well.. here i am again..
with thoughts flying by...
heard a song just a while ago..
and i can't help but remember a moment of my past...

'i love you, always forever'
was the title...

well i do believe i had this thought for a girl..
unfortunately.., it remained as a thought
and was never able to blurt it...
'til the feeling was lost... or as i so believe..

but i guess there were times
when i missed the feeling of longing for her...
i miss the days when i bought chocolates for her...
those times i spent digging for mushy quotes to send...
the idea of being sweet and gentle...
the feeling that i was 'in love'...

it wasn't my fault that i lost the feeling...
that i've moved on..,
and hid the 'man' in me...

it's a good thing i wasn't able to utter it..;
'i love you, always... forever.'
for i guess i don't feel it now...
yet she'll remain special...

if only she showed some appreciation for my feelings...
if only she didn't ignore the love i showed and offered her...
if she hadn't been cold...
if only... if only....
if only she loved me too....

i would've never lost the feeling...
i would've never tried to lose it...
i would've kept loving her..,
i could've been spending my time with her..,
and kept the my love aflame...
and held onto the phrase..;
'i love you, always... forever.'

if only... if only...
if only she dared to care...

Euphoric Feeling..?

again.., a new day has come
doing things i have done.
guess things would somewhat be the same
though i know things change.

again this thought ran tthrough my mind;
what's with love that everyone likes to feel it..?
is it of some sort of elixer that rejuvinates your tired and weary state..?
is it really a good feeling that people are willing to risk their all just to have it..?

i just don't get it...
why the need to gamble on that game,
when there's only a little to win and and all to lose..?
why the need to risk it anyway..?

well does it just showcase people's uncontentment...
that they've got the need to have more..?

do we really exist just to be on that expected euphoric stage,
when with just a sleight of hand can make you desperate and and your life miserable..?

you may say that i am a fool, and a freak of nature...
yes.., i think i am guilty of being a fool...
of being a freak of nature...
but ain't lovers more foolish than i am.??
for they make weirdos out of themselves...
freaks of emotions... freaks of love...

for a number of times i have loved.., and in all i have failed...
but through it...,
i have learned to see and appreciate the beauty of all GOD's creations...
and to live in order to love life...